stephenl
Two New Years Resolutions for YOU

Are you looking for a couple New Years resolution that are guaranteed to make your life better? Here are two, personally tested by me. (these might only apply to men)

1. Throw away your cable drawer. Every guy has an overstuffed drawer filled with tangled cables. What do they do? Well, one connects that camcoder you don’t have anymore to that TV you don’t have anymore. About ten percent are RCA cables from old VCRs/DVD players/stereos. Some are still in their original twisty ties, waiting for the day you’ll finally need them. Listen up: that day will never, ever come. But still, those cables wait, taking up precious room in your tiny closet, and in your psyche. Get rid of them.

Here’s how: if you start trying to examine each cable to determine its purpose and concoct a scenario in which you might need it, you’ve already lost. Instead, pull out two extension cords and put the rest on the curb. All of them. Someone will take them within the hour. Their problem now.

If you are a girl, go ahead and throw out your boyfriend’s/husband’s/guy whose party you wandered into’s cable drawer right now, when he’s not looking. You have my permission.

But - you say - what if, one day, I end up needing that mini-jack to RCA converter I haven’t used once in a decade? What then? Well, good news: it’s available on Monoprice for 61 cents. That’s what your giant snake nest of cables is saving you. Sixty one cents. Throw them out and free your soul.

2. Switch to a Double-edge Safety Razor. The modern world has done a bang-up job with things like the polio vaccine. But when it comes to shaving, we’re going in the wrong direction. The Gillette corporation would love you to believe that five blades stuck to a cartridge, a battery, and something called “Fusion”, sealed in a piece of plastic which is sealed in another piece of plastic and requires an investment of $30 for 8 refills is necessary for a smooth shave, not to mention any hope of achieving manliness. It’s all bullshit. 

Instead, buy a safety razor from Merkur (about $45 on Amazon) a satisfyingly solid hunk of metal that you can pass down to your grandson. A pack of Persona blades will set you back just $17. Oh, and guess how many blades you get for $17? Not eight. You get 100, about two years worth of shaving. If you really want to treat yourself, get a badger hair brush and a shaving mug, and you can forget about buying metal cans of shaving cream too. Better for the planet, better for your face*, better for your bank account, and you’ll feel like James Bond when you use it. (Yes, there’s a little learning curve and you may get a nick or two at first - watch a few videos on YouTube and buy a styptic pencil and you’ll master the technique in a week)

Should you throw your vibrating Gillette Powered Fusion XL-204b Turbo Extreme on the curb with your cables? No. You’ll still need it to travel - you can’t bring a safety razor on an airplane. But be glad that $50 cartridge refill pack you picked up will be the last you ever buy.

That’s it. Two resolutions guaranteed to improve your 2013. Enjoy and have a Happy New Year.

* especially if you’re black or anyone else who gets shaving bumps from ingrown hairs - 5 blades will do that to you.

witstream:

Conan writer Rob Kutner and the Levinson Brothers dropped an album called It’s OK To Do Stuff, and it’s perfect for anybody who wishes Free To Be…You And Me had robots, the Go-Gos, and this sketch where Lizzy Caplan and Fred Willard are gender-confused babies.

comedycentral:

witstream:

Conan writer Rob Kutner and the Levinson Brothers dropped an album called It’s OK To Do Stuff, and it’s perfect for anybody who wishes Free To Be…You And Me had robots, the Go-Gos, and this sketch where Lizzy Caplan and Fred Willard are gender-confused babies.

Also featuring Wyatt Cenac and Samantha Bee! Recommended!

Filming Henry.

Filming Henry.

Story of my life.

Story of my life.

Shek bachelor party (Taken with Instagram)

Shek bachelor party (Taken with Instagram)

Shek bachelor party (Taken with Instagram)

Shek bachelor party (Taken with Instagram)

Great, I type 286 5th Ave. into Apple’s new Maps app, and it thinks I mean 286 5th Avenue on the moon.

Great, I type 286 5th Ave. into Apple’s new Maps app, and it thinks I mean 286 5th Avenue on the moon.